Tag: detachment

Martha, Mary, and Benedict invite you to rethink the meaning of hospitality

Scripture tells us to have no anxiety? But how? Learn how St. Benedict’s Rule teaches a stress-free approach to hospitality.

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BY JEAN P. KELLY

“Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving? Tell her to help me.”

The Lord said to her in reply, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her.”

“POOR MARTHA, Martha,” I always think when hearing the Luke 10: 38-42. “I’ve been there, sister.”

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The Power of Hope, the Misunderstood Virtue

Only grace can elevate our senses beyond what we wish for and toward virtuous hope.

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BY JEAN P. KELLY

WITH CHILDLIKE excitement, a kind woman hosting our family near her home on the shores of Flathead Lake, Montana, beckoned my three girls to the edge of the water. “Look,” she said, pointing to dull, grey rocks lapped by glacial melt water, still frigid in July. They were as confused as I until she said “Do you see wishing stone?,” indicating one ringed with a bright white stripe, continuous and uninterrupted. “That’s a gift from the Missouri River, one that can make your dreams come true.”

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Saved by a Sacred Geography

Faeries, fauna, and the power of a thin place in Ireland taught me how to “stay clear of those vexed in spirit.”

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BY JEAN P. KELLY

I SIT ON A damp wooden bench on a clover-covered island, surrounded on either side by a rushing, Guinness-colored river. The babble cradles my ears and slows my breathing. I inhale, almost tasting the sweet stench of roots that form cave-like hideaways under trees along the banks. Surely I’ve found the homes of faeries, so common in the lore of this country Ireland. Earthen walls form a cacophonous cocoon around me, blocking the view of the valley as it winds toward the strand and the Kenmare Bay. For both that unseen horizon and my narrow hiding place, surely a “thin place,” I offer gratitude. Then I release all thoughts, all questions, and all self-judgment.

I often imagine myself back in a thin place, where I first found both rest and authentic stillness: an island in a river in southern County Cork. Remarkably, I experienced both in the midst of a very painful life transition, leaving a 30-year abusive relationship with an active alcoholic and learning my youngest daughter had been hospitalized because of his neglect.

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Facing enemies with detachment takes courage

I was prepared for battle, but like Queen Esther, I knew only God could give me the words to turn the heart of this rival. So I prayed.

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By Jean P. Kelly

AS ADVISED BY the head of human resources, the phone number of the security department was cued on my phone in the event my employee again refused to leave my office during a performance meeting. She was once a close friend, but now as her supervisor, I needed armor for every encounter. On my desk, hidden in a folder, were a prepared and practiced script along with reminders of tactics. Don’t defend yourself; ask neutral questions; don’t get emotional even if she does; don’t accept unsupported claims meant to confuse you; keep focused on the agenda rather than reacting to petty grievances dredged from the past; breathe. Many years’ experience as a victim of narcissistic manipulation, usually leveraged to best effect by close family and friends, served me well as necessary fortification.

I learned the hard way how to confront enemies more formidable than those of Queen Esther in the Bible when she prayed “O God, whose power is over all, hear the voice of those in despair. Save us from the power of the wicked, and deliver me from my fear.” At least in mortal battles such as hers, tactics and wounds are more likely physical, overt and predictable than those of psychological warfare.

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Make new friends without keeping the old

When friends drop us, even the pragmatic realization that all things have a season—even love—is cold company. But new friends will arrive, green leaves growing in our hearts.

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By Jean P. Kelly

I WALKED FOR the first time into a multi-day ecumenical faith festival on my own, not knowing a soul and unsure what to expect as a newcomer. Within 15 minutes of arriving, I met a fellow podcaster, then her son, then her brother and by the end of the day I was part of their friends & family group enjoying a musician on stage. Throughout the next three days all were reliable companions, bearing out what I had heard about the authentic hospitality offered annually at the Wild Goose Festival. As one veteran attendee told me “I always make friends I don’t even know I need.”

Just a few days before I drove six hours to North Carolina, a friend of more than 30 years ghosted my invitation to dinner. A voicemail left for another long-time buddy during my return drive likewise went unanswered. That neither was an anomaly, yet I persisted in my attempts to connect, was all the proof needed to affirm how much easier it is to preach detachment than to practice it. My talk at the festival about the importance of establishing boundaries with loved ones, based on my book, Less Helping Them, More Healing You, concluded with a quote from a favorite spiritual teacher, Fr. Anthony DeMello: “When I die to the need for people, then I am right in the desert…. It is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower.”

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