by Jean P. Kelly

Gratitude has been a moral virtue for centuries across cultures, religions, and traditions, but recently—with TED talks, social media posts and bullet journals—giving thanks as a self-help strategy has exploded. This time of year especially, gratitude is both big business and a cultural imperative.  But in my experience, such promoted positivity has a seriously dark side.

Emerging research in positive psychology does show strong evidence that being grateful leads to both physical and mental wellness, ranging from greater self-esteem to increased happiness. But what well-meaning friends, social media influencers, and other pop-psych pushers fail to address is equally strong evidence that “toxic positivity” leads to patriarchal silencing, denial, unhappiness, and worse.

Gratitude was how I “shushed”
those negative emotions,
hiding them not only from others,
but also from myself.

Jean P. Kelly

For years in an abusive relationship, I scolded myself with gratitude lists.  “You should be more grateful,” was my constant self-talk, as I inventoried daily many blessings—beautiful children, financial security, career success. What loved ones outside my home could not see, what I kept hidden both from them and myself with desperate thankfulness, were far more numerous curses of life with a manipulative, addicted spouse:  fear, anxiety, low self-esteem, anger, and isolation. Gratitude was how I “shushed” those negative emotions and denied my family’s need for help. Worse yet, poisoned positive thinking convinced me that what I had was the best I deserved, and that feeling ungrateful was a serious character flaw.

Only after the inventory of intractable pain points in my domestic situation overwhelmed all other lists did I end my self-imposed exile in favor of community. Eventually I mustered the courage to consult both professional therapists and wise authors of Christian philosophy. Both offered gifts of a more nuanced practice of appreciation and deeper definitions of happiness.

For example, Henri Nouwen defined joy as the “fruit of hope,” which “frees us from the need to predict the future and allows us to live in the present with deep trust.” And the one we can always trust—toward whom we should direct our most sincere thanks—is God.

“When I trust deeply that today God is truly with me and holds me safe in a divine embrace, guiding every one of my steps,” Nouwen wrote in Here and Now, “I can be fully where I am and pay attention to the many signs of God’s love within me and around me.”

When fully present—in God’s love—my blessings were no longer binary, either very good or very bad. I learned to look for the Divine dwelling amidst the imperfect, the dissatisfying, the challenging. Recognizing my fear, then detaching from it, allowed me to also leave behind disordered definitions of gratitude.

That is why this Thanksgiving, instead of offering shallow thanks at the dinner table when called upon, I will share this prayer instead: Dear God, thank you for the strength, courage, and wisdom to honor and accept what is not working in our lives. Teach us to see in difficulty and challenge an opportunity to trust more deeply in your eternal nearness and love for us. Thank you most of all for mixed blessings.

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